February 7th

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Bulk pickup took everything. I put out some of the boxes and the stuff for the Vets pickup tomorrow. 

After that - and being yelled at by Steven- I went to breakfast at Hot Bagels and More - had coffee and a bagel with cream cheese. Lots of cream cheese. Then I went to Amazing Savings and got two more plastic bins and two rolls of duct tape. So, as I was going home, I decided to get bagels at Bagelwich. So I'm set for the rest of the week.

Well, things are falling apart. The guy whose bid we accepted is putting the deal off some more and I broke down in tears, Elysha is mad at me for thinking she wants to get the house for herself. She's also mad because everything she's done is coming back to bite her on the ass. Steven called Daniel and told him I was crying my eyes out and thinking of suicide (I told Steven I'd just like to put a bag over my head). Daniel called Elysha and told her we called a yelled at him when there's not much he can do about it. Steven's out of control and Elysha called - she's losing her mind. Jimi says he may have to take her to the ER again. I don't know what to do. I cannot stop crying. My world is crashing in on me. But everybody else is worse off than me. I can't say I'm hurt because it comes back to bite me on the ass. It's the "Oh, yeah, well what about me?" shit again. I have been through all this. I can't do it again. Everything I say is wrong. I think I may call Laura and see if she can send me to the hospital. It would be a break I need.

I dumped on Jenni and she says she's got room for "y'all" if we need a place to stay. I'm not entirely sure she means "we" as "y'all " though.

I've asked on Facebook for thoughts and/or prayers. I'm about to talk to my thoughts of God again. They always say that when there's a gap in the footprints of our walk with God that's when s/he's carrying us. My imaginary love is still with me, after many years when he comes and goes. He's always there when I need someone to talk to and is a virtual shoulder to lean on.

I've calmed down a little. I wrote a long email to Elysha:

You'll always be my little princess. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I often say things that don't mean anything to me but someone else would see something else in them. Your father scares me sometimes and I'm afraid of being left to fend for myself- and not having someone I have to be strong for. I'm glad that you have Jimi to look out for you. May you always be blessed to have him and your "kids". If you can forgive me, I'd love to come visit - and maybe I can bring Woodgie with me. She's the only one that's calm around here, although she's confused about all the boxes and things that are not where it seems they should be. I'm confused, too. I'm ready to move any minute now, at the drop of a hat. When I go to bed, I'm never sure of what is going to happen next. You know how that is. I wish we could go back in time and drive to Grandma's house, then back through Pennsylvania so you could jump into Jimi's arms. I don't think I'll ever forget that. I miss everybody - you, Jenni and Kara and those who are gone like both sets of your grandparents. I miss my dad and my mom. My brothers not so much... I miss my friends and Kentucky and Indiana. I miss being young enough that I should've appreciated everything. I'm sorry I've gone on so much, but I write more that I can say - and I hope I've "said" it all better.

I hope you are better. Stay safe. And remember I do love you.  

Love,

Mom ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

She sent me this:It's not you. It's him. You are coming here no matter what I have to do. He can stay there. I am done trying to have a relationship with him, he obviously doesn't want one with me.

Let me know what you want to do about the sale. I need to know. I want you here so let me know what you want to do. 

I don't know what else to say. I will never be okay, I will never be better.

I replied: I know it's him. He can't think of being somewhere else if he's content with what he has. He doesn't seem to know what's going on. Which is why we're in this mess in the first place. I just can't think of leaving him on his own.  He's not good at being alone. I do know I don't want to stay here anymore. I've written an e-mail to Jackie to tell her to got through with the notice. Daniel said the buyer was one of the guys who was here with the appraiser. I know I met him at one of the showings and I thought he was an agent. But it may have been the other guy. At any rate, try to do what you can. 

I want to be there, too.

Love you, Princess. 

And her last reply: You have to think of yourself and your daughters for once. He doesn't deserve you caring this much, he has never done the same for you.

Good, thank you for telling Jackie to go ahead. I trust that Daniel will make this happen after the conversation I had with him today.

I will do whatever I can to make this sale happen but I need to know that daddy isn't going to fuck this up if I start hiring movers and booking flights. I need to know you can be strong enough to help me get to the finish line. Please help me. Stop thinking about him, this is what's best for both of you and he will realize it eventually.

I will let you know what I find out tomorrow. I will make this happen for you, not him.

Love you. 

It's been a long a tear-filled night. I hope tomorrow is better.

I've sent all this in an email to Steven. I hope it makes him understand what everybody else is going through and not just him.